rollin’ with the punches

things aren’t going so great in my world of volunteering.  N, from organization B, hasn’t really seemed too positive about my presence ever since i tried to resign at christmas time…i guess i saw that one coming.  but i’m really irked thinking about the why’s and wherefore’s of me working for them when no one seems to be benefiting in any way, shape or form.  P and D, two of the project officers, have really opened up to me over the last few weeks, and it’s become clear that my frustrations are felt by more or less everyone working for the organization.  the thing is, i’m outspoken, even for an american.  and i promise i’ve been very restrained and professional in all my dealings with absolutely everyone here…but that’s still not enough.  see:  N is frustrated as all get-out with me.  why do i know this?  not because of anything she’s said or done; rather, it’s in the lack of what she used to do.  she doesn’t ask my opinion anymore, doesn’t make eye contact with me when i’m part of a group she’s addressing, and certainly doesn’t seem interested in discussing any concerns i have…of course, this just means that the vast majority of our discussions are rushed and poorly timed, which doesn’t help with the whole issue of clarity.

P and D have more or less said the same thing:  everyone feels the way i do, but no one says the things i say.  now, please don’t misunderstand me – there has been no name-calling or voice-raising or anything of the sort – i have simply stated obvious shortcomings on her part that are no longer little quirks, but have instead become seriously debilitating to any semblance i have of a professional presence within the organization.  i find myself continually feeling that my time is of no consequence, and the work i produce is either completely worthless or threatening to her – and while the part of me who is trying desperately to become a better person is screaming ‘LET IT GO!’ my ego is begging for vindication…

sigh…how i wish i had exciting tales to share!  but this just seems more pressing at the moment.

then there’s organization C…for which i’ve not done much…the big plan for my work with them is supposed to be around me helping them to develop independence in their funding…to transition from full charity status to partial or complete social enterprise.  so i’ve drafted a business plan, which will need a gazillion tweaks and consultations and reviews and edits before it can be anything of any substance, but that stinking document took me ages to produce!  M, the executive director, hasn’t been doing too well…she’s coping with a very life-threatening illness, but still manages to make it to work every day.  now she’s learned that she’s got glaucoma, and so can’t read any emails…which means that neither the business plan nor any of the draft emails i’ve sent her with the intention of seeking support from outside with her approval have been read.

sigh…again.

what does this all mean?  should i start from scratch?  should i give up on the volunteering thing for a while?  don’t worry – those questions are aimed at the universe – i’m not taking a pole!  something i so desperately craved when i came here was the chance to let life lead for a change – to stop trying to control every aspect of my existence, and to allow myself to be immersed in the life within and around me…

so this is what i’m thinking at the moment…the work has been frustrating, but it has been enlightening and exciting.  i know how long it took me to get my feet wet in england, and if it’s going to take me that long to figure things out over here, i’ve got to have an income of some kind.  even if we don’t stay in the philippines forever, it’s likely that we’ll be here at least another several months, if not longer than that.  and afterward?  i’ll still need an income.  so maybe this is my chance to sort that out.  i’ve set up an eLance account…so there’s that.  and am keeping up  on the writing.  and i guess i’ve got to see what the universe has to answer to my questions…because ever since i decided i wanted to let go, everything i’ve tried to grasp onto has slipped from my fingertips…be careful what you wish for, eh?

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One thought on “rollin’ with the punches

  1. Mom says:

    Have no idea what an eLance account is?

    Sadly you inherited your need to “control” from both your Mom and your Dad so it’s in your genes. But, I know how strong willed you are so even this, you CAN overcome! You wrote some good introspection here. Perhaps my biggest challenge in letting go of “control” has been in accepting and enjoying my retirement, but baby I’m learning real fast! Love you daughter and continue to be amazed and proud of all you accomplish and who you have become. MOM

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